From an outsiders view, my labor and birth probably doesn't look that bad in comparison to some. But in my mind it was terrible. Now, I didn't go in there with a list of 100 do's and don'ts. But I have to say, not a single one of the books or videos I watched about labor and childbirth can give you even the slightest idea of what it's actually like to experience. This can be a good or a bad thing.
By the time my due date rolled around, I was so impatient for things to start happening. Every day I just hoped and wished something, anything would happen to show me some sign of her wanting to come out. But no signs, not one. By the time I was 10 days over-due, my doctor suggested to me that we should try inducing, to which I said a big N-O. But then she explained to me this can be done with this wonderful gel product or a shoe-lace like insert, called cervidel. Which is basically a hormone used to ripen the cervix. She stated it was an awesome way to "kick-start" labor and it was pretty much harmless. If contractions started and things started moving too quickly or in a bad direction, it could be washed out or removed and that always slows things down. I think at this point in my pregnancy I was just so uncomfortable, sore and impatient that when I saw a means to an end, I took it. I was scheduled for my first gel insertion and monitoring at 11 days past due. No contractions, no labor, no baby. So we tried again at 12 days past due, nothing. One last effort to jump start things at 13 days past due, they inserted the shoe-lace into me. The doctors and nurses all raved, "We'll be seeing you back here tonight for sure!!" as they sent us back home, yet again. Well what would you know, I did get some mild contractions, but 12 hours later, I was back in the hospital having it removed and being told to go home. Still with my big belly and baby-less.
I was definitely more than discouraged at this point. I felt like, not even the doctors and nurses can help me get this baby out, I am doomed for a c-section. I thought "How am I supposed to be a good mother to this baby if I can't even get it out of me?"
Well I guess my baby heard me, because at 4 am, only 8 hours after they removed the shoe-lace, I went into labor at home, all on my own. Now the one thing none of my books or videos or resources online told me about, was the intense pressure I would feel, in my butt. I woke up, feeling like I had to poo like no body's business, I had never felt anything like it. So I tried to go to the bathroom, but I couldn't, and the pressure wouldn't go away. I tried to go back to sleep, but then I started getting contractions. Yay! Real contractions, I was actually in labor this time. I tried to hold out at home as long as I could, but we were living in a two bedroom, basement suite apartment and it wasn't very comfortable in there. Along with the intense pressure on my bum, things felt like they were moving along. I couldn't keep focus long enough to time my contractions properly, so around 10 am, Merlin and his mom packed up our stuff, and me into the car and went to the hospital.
When we got there, I immediately regretted the decision to go there. We had to sit in this waiting room full of people while they checked me in. Then I had to climb into a bed in another waiting area and wait to be checked. Ironically, the doctor who walked through the curtain was the one doctor I hated and had even said "I don't want her delivering my baby". As I had met her earlier in my pregnancy, and I was having some problems with my pelvic bone being in a lot of pain, to which she told me not to wear such tight pants. I had also heard from other patients that she liked to do c-sections. But alas, she was the doctor on-call that day, and this baby was coming regardless of who the doctor was.
So the doctor came through the curtain to check my dilation and my cervix. I can't really describe how this feels other than painful. There is the pressure of a baby pushing down on your entire nether regions, preparing to come out, and someone comes and sticks their fingers up, it's just not pleasant. It's not the fact of their fingers are in there, which is unpleasant in and of itself, but it was so painful to be checked. More-so than my contractions were. Anyways, they checked me, and I was only 3cm. The next thing the doctor said made me break down into tears, and made Merlin extremely angry, to the point he yelled at her. She said "That baby is too big to come out of her, she is going to need a section, put her on the list". I know what I did probably wasn't the right thing, but I just layed there bawling. Luckily my fiance is my biggest supporter, and he knew as much as I did that a c-section is a big deal, and beyond that, he wanted a medical reason for me to need major abdominal surgery. I am so glad I made him watch some films with me. Since there was no medical reason, and they couldn't cut me up without my consent, we were checked into our own room, with a nurse who was to be with us for the majority of our stay.
After Merlin got things settled and I got into our room, I immediately went into the shower. This was my number one best friend for the majority of my labor. By 12 noon things were progressing, but it wasn't zooming by or anything. Whenever I tried to get out of the shower and onto the bed it was such a struggle, because of the pressure on my bum, I felt like I was going to crap everywhere. By 2pm, the doctor came back and was not pleased with how little I had progressed. She suggested to me that I need to be induced, to which I replied "Why?" Again she told me I wasn't progressing fast enough and that I needed to speed things up for babies sake. On one hand, the nurse I had was very good for helping me through contractions, and standing behind me in saying I didn't need a c-section. But was definitely open to giving me drugs. From the moment we got into the room she offered me laughing gas and morphine. And now she too agreed with the doctor, but I knew the consequences of induction. The contractions would become stronger, faster. I liked the pace we were going at. But then my support person, Merlin, had to leave for a short bit. I don't want to think that him leaving is what lead to the things that follow, but I really needed someone who knew me and knew what I wanted to be there to help me and talk for me.
Once he left, my contractions were getting a little stronger and I was doing my best to work through them. He was gone for one hour, and in that time, I was convinced I needed to be induced. So I was hooked up to an iv which was pumping me with artificial oxytocin. I can see the total domino effect in my mind to this day still. I don't remember why I have in to the induction, I don't even remember them telling me why I needed it so badly. The contractions were so intense now and they were only getting more and more frequent and more and more painful. I had no time to wait for the build up of the next one, they were almost on top of each other. Merlin still hadn't returned, and I don't remember them giving me morphine, but they sure as heck did, because I remember when Merlin came back. I was sitting in the rocking chair and rocking through the contractions, but when I tried to talk to him all that came out was a big slur, "heyystheygavedsmeneedls", I was high as hell. And he was pretty pissed off, he said he felt like they were just waiting for him to leave to swoop in and convince you, you needed these things and that he wouldn't doubt if they do stuff like that all the time.
Eventually, the morphine wore off. By now it was around 4pm, and the contractions were so intense I was throwing up and could barely stand. I was very tired and I couldn't even keep water down. I had to be hooked up to another iv so they could get some fluid in me. By 6pm the contractions were so bad I was nearly passing out by the end of each one and there was very little to no time in between. For the last hour they had been trying to convince me and Merlin to agree to an epidural. Finally I caved in, they called the anesthesiologist , and within half an hour he was needle-deep in my spine. To this day I know the exact spot where the epidural was inserted into my back and every now and then it actually hurts. I do not regret anything more in my life than getting that done. But on the flip side, sweet relief came to me. I couldn't feel anything past my boobs, well I couldn't feel the pain. I could still feel the contractions, but it was like they were muffled. I was able to sleep from 630pm until 9, which is when I started to feel the strong urge to push.
That urge to push is unlike anything I have ever felt. Just the urge to push itself is relieving, because you know the pain of labor and the joy of your child are so close. I had read about the urge to push in all my books, and I was so confused by it, how will I know when to push, but there's no doubt about it, even being heavily medicated, my body knew when it was time. Which is why I think I have so much regret about taking all the medication, I know in my heart that my body knew what it was doing and I should have let it do it's thing. By 10 o'clock my nurse turned off the epidural, or did something to make it go away, because I could feel everything again. I told her that I could not wait anymore to push, I couldn't hold it in. So she called the doctor. I was pretty excited even though pain was so immense, she put up the foot bars and coached me as to how to push.
It's basically like taking a big poo. Every time there is a contraction, I push like I'm going to take a poo. And the relief of pushing is, heavenly. I can't even describe. Pushing relieved the pain of the contraction, it alleviated the pressure everywhere. It just felt good after a day of things feeling bad. Finally the doctor arrived and this meant big time pushing. Again, the doctor was doubting my ability to get this baby out, and without my consent, or knowledge once the babies head was crowning, she used the vacuum extractor. My poor little baby had a circle on her head for a good week afterward. So at 11:15pm on Friday the 13th of November, my little girl was born.
My labor did not go at all the way I had hoped. But I know life very rarely turns out the way you plan it to. All I can say is I am thankful that I was able to deliver a beautiful, healthy baby girl who is my world now. I may have regrets about my labor and the choices I made, but I do not have regrets about bringing my girl into the world. All I can do is hope that I can be better prepared next time.
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